Happy International Day of Friendship! While women often have a bestie and men prefer hanging out in groups, we all feel better in good company. In Sweden we have a saying: “Love comes and goes, while friendship lasts.” What do you think? Is this true for you? I think it’s like that when we’re young but here, friends are often a substitute for a partner, since that makes many women prioritize his agenda over her friends. And it hasn’t become better with internet.

The more time we spend online, the less time we have for building real connections and develop sound relationships. We can of course stay updated and communicate online with people that can become our friends, or that already are our friends, but apart from that, scrolling on social media, we’re just viewers. 

What is then a good friend and how do you become friends? To me, a friend is someone who accepts you for who you are and tell you the truth when you ask for their opinion. It’s someone who I share values with and who is interested in me and my life, who enjoys my company, taste and sense of humor, just as I enjoy theirs. 

Many of my friendships started where I was spending my time, such as through workplaces, schools, churches, riding classes and dance practices. I’ve always been a very open and validating person and have always found it easy to start talking. I don’t mind some chitter-chatter about the weather in the elevator with my neighbors, because this is how we create both safety, trust and recognition. I certainly have no problem extending a compliment to another fellow woman, stranger or known, for anything that she is wearing or how she is carrying herself, simply because I’ve already received many compliments too. While there sometimes can be a sense of competition and rivalry, a good friend is someone who wants what is best for you and believes in your dreams and goals, and want you to reach them. Often, we’ve shared what has happened in our lives during the past week, month or even year, which is nice to catch up with and to get it off our chests. Not so often, but more importantly, doing things together though, like travelling or hosting a party, makes for creating both memories and bonds. 

Unfortunately, many women seem to put their friendships on the back burner as soon as they think they’ve met Mr Right, especially when they had their children and everything revolves around them. Lucky for me, I’ve also had quite a few male friends, both for partying with, being in the same fraternity organization with, or working or studying with. Sometimes, our friendship builds more after either of us have finished our studies or changed workplace. And sometimes, it ebbs out instead. 

What the biggest caveat is, is of course money. Just as with regular romantic relationships, having a similar standard is key for a more friction-less friendship. To not always be the one asking for a loan, or be the one always paying, is healthier and doesn’t create an unwanted pattern of power positions. Equality really begins in our relationships. That we value and cherish each other equally much from a positive and empowering stance. 

So, how do you become friends with someone and where? The first thing we have to accept is that we must leave our comfort zone a little. At best, we find people we can invite into our comfort zone, our home, but where we still can inspire each other to grow. And if not, we can spend time together outside, or in the specific setting we met. 

We can commute together, go for a lunch or an after-work drink, if we’re colleagues.

We can study together, talk about the classes and lend each other books, if we’re students.

We can create a Bible-study group or sit at the same table and have a coffee after church, if we’ve met there. 

We can help each other out with a choreography or just talk about the time we spend outside of class, and catch a ride, if we’ve met at dance practice.

And of course, by talking about what we have in common, including our bosses, teachers and other co-workers, we can improve our communication skills and broaden our understanding and perspectives, while ensuring that we don’t fall into gossip.

To me, building a friendship is a lot like dating a guy, but without the sex. And just like with a romantic relationship, friendship takes time and effort, where we invite the acquaintances into our lives outside of the place we met, and create mutual support.

So, who are you as a friend? Are you balancing initiatives and being supportive? How would you like a good friend to be? Who can you show appreciation for being one, and who can you get to know some more?

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