Making choices from within
There is a sense of freedom in choosing. When we make a deliberate choice from within about something, we strengthen our own willpower and let ourselves be led by our own desires, dreams and needs, rather than succumbing to neither others’ imposed preferences, or any trends that we feel obligated to follow out of fear of missing out.

The first time I encountered this dilemma and helped someone to see where her decision came from, was when I was interviewing a group of applying Swedish High School students who wanted to become the next generation of exchange students with the organization ASSE in the early 1990’s. We who conducted these interviews had already been abroad for a year and belonged to a fraternity organization called IKU (International Culture Exchange in Swedish). It was our job to see if the people we interviewed would become a good fit for a year as an exchange student in the United States, based on our own experience, knowing what it required from us in terms of courage, willingness to learn, independence, curiosity, and a genuine interest in getting to know life abroad and live in an American host-family, while being student ambassadors of the Swedish culture.
One of the girls that I interviewed, was clearly insecure and vague when she answered my questions. Finally, she said that it was her parents’ idea to go, because they thought it would make her become more extroverted and mature, besides that it was seen as a popular thing to do to get ahead by improving our English. What she really wanted to do, was to apply to an Art School and pursue her music, which her parents didn’t think much of. So, I told them to be onboard with her, rather than the other way around. It’s too tough to be alone in a foreign country at the age of 17, to not really want to be. It wasn’t her own choice to apply. Hopefully my no, empowered her to stand with her own no. When are our decisions truly our own?
That’s when I understood that I could help coach others to make good decisions for themselves. It also brought to my awareness, how much influenced we are by our parents and peers, and later also co-workers and partners. After all, my mother had too been an exchange student and wanted me to follow suit. What made me do so, however,, wasn’t out of obedience to her, but my own desire to become more confident and become better at speaking English and thus more popular in my town – which I also became when I came back home. But it was a tough year, where I changed host-family and had to struggle to get into the language enough to speak it fluently. In my AP English class, I went from a grade C on some papers to a B+ during the course of the year and thanks to my teacher’s passion to help me (hence my dedication to her in my second book).
It’s harder to make choices, when we feel pressure from a government agency or other authority figure. It becomes a way of discipline and force, whether openly or covert, that robs us of both confidence, joy and will to succeed. Their imposed decisions seem made to exercise power rather than joint decision making with consideration of our needs and competence, it should be a way of the past. They if any, should learn how to become coaches.
A good question to ask yourself is this: If nobody would belittle you, impose guilt or try to coerce into doing something, what would you then choose?



















