At home in our bodies

The soul can not inhabit our bodies without us welcoming it home, nurturing its home, our bodies. We see it in our eyes, looking inwardly at first, outwardly second, when we dare to meet others in authenticity. It’s a simple act of recognition, of non-judgmental grace and shared humility in front of a divine power that enables this.

Caring for our bodies therefore is a must, in a much deeper sense of honoring and meeting our needs than for superficial good looks, rather for a health that makes it safe to express joy. It’s life’s greatest reward!

Do you care for yourself this way and do you support others to? Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and in your photos and see yourself, not to be a narcissist, but to be your true self fully, shining through your ego. Pull out a good memory and analyze what the conditions were that worked, after understanding when you were traumatized and what that led to. This way you can get back on the path that is your own, and not what others want it to be.

Dare to reclaim you!

Returning my inner child to heal PTSD

The first time I realized that I had PTSD, was when I was 9 years old and we lived in the town Lund in the south of Sweden. We lived in a beautiful house with a garden filled with fruit trees, close to the big university hospital. This particular winter, we had so much snow that the military had to fly out with food to people in the countryside or pick them up, landing on the flat roof with big, loud helicopters. It scared me.

It was then my Dad told me about how we once had to flee in Beirut at dawn in a military helicopter, right when the war broke out in 1972 and grenades were thrown at us.

Made more whole in Portugal

It’s my first memory, seeing the sky turn red, from the side fast, while he ran with my mother, holding me in front of him. Then, I understood it must be why I was so scared of helicopters and fireworks. This lasted until 2014.

In Christmas 2010, when I once again was awakened in the early morning by the sound of some, I looked out the window in Maunawili, Hawaii, and saw three Black Hawk, I think they were headed towards Iraq.

After writing about it in 2014, I realized and reframed the story of the one of rescue, that it could even be what any of the ICE-officers had had to do, why the United States so often seemingly go out to war, the questioning of their imposed right to I had had my entire life became released, as I understood what they are fighting for on a personal level.

Then a strong sun-glare projected through a reflection in my window a hot summer morning, after an exhausting spring of not only finishing the draft of my second book, but having had to deal with increased stalking. I collapsed and regressed somehow, and almost died from a severe bloodpressure fall, but moved instead of laying still.

I still have flashbacks sometimes of other things, but when I’m here in Portugal there isn’t any personal history of traumas, so they are much less.

Today, I saw several dragonflies and noticed a ring of turquoise color on them, while thinking about worthy causes like the book “Dreams of the dragonfly” had examples of, that I read at the Honolulu Detention Center in 2012 before I was deported. Maybe it was a dragonfly that inspired the making of helicopters? I would think so.

What can your inner child invent?

Finding joy!

Healing my soul, and body, is about to have dared to grieve fully and found joy with my inner child back, the person I used to be, so to speak, the glittery spark that children have with their beauty and kindness, as well as the flirting, creativity and charisma, which in turn is how we create healthy relationships and an income.

My joy is found in dancing, the anticipation of Santa Claus arriving is what I realized I felt that day in spring 2004 when I started taking dance classes again after a hiatus of 10 years. (Read more about this, in my book “The Call for Divine Mothering”.)

Healing the soul thus has to do with encouraging and embracing my own inner child that unfortunately others abuse, rather than healing their own.

I still feel it, the positive anticipation, whenever I dance Isadora Duncan, Modern or African, together with a deeper connection to my femininity with Hawaiian Hula. Using my natural curiosity when I’m out walking exploring new little paths, integrating the whole when I pick seashells at the beach, or writing in my diary, also brings back my inner child, after I have reclaimed my energy.

Do what brings you joy!

Overcoming fears

In order to heal, we must also do our part to improve both our health and our behavior, increasing care and kindness. This also becomes the way we can overcome fears.

Often, bodily symptoms are ignored, even by physicians according to my personal experience, which is why it becomes such an evil journey and soul searching to treat the origin, rather than placing a rug on top made of anti-depressants or other types of numbing medicines. I refused all, since I don’t believe it would be a mental illness to have low bloodpressure or become sick to your stomach when others call you bad names with the intent to harm and take your life in all meanings possible, or simply due to eating lactose and gluten.

Fear in turn affects the way we breathe together with the climate we’re in. Why should I take an anti-depressant for that, instead of sleeping my needed 7-9 hrs per night, eating properly and drinking enough water?

So, after surviving my dental procedures with improvement in 2013 and 2014, and realizing how stalked I was on making appointments, my next goal became to overcome my fear of water due to an early near drowning experience, which in turn might even have impacted my so called anxiety at the dentist.

In 2015, I did! I put my head under water in a beautiful pool in Portugal after receiving Lomilomi treatment (Hawaiian massage) and also in the ocean. I have continued since also in Stockholm, taking notice of my own reaction, learning to stay and do it slower, but not to become too cold. I even felt I became less cold than when I only dipped myself to the shoulders, the other day, also now in Portugal 2019. What if someone could teach me something about that?

Could I even learn how to swim now?

And the reward? The instant true feeling of joy!

Unfortunately my own spontaneous joyous giggle that I wanted to share, has been removed by someone intruding again in my phone filtering it, which is why I am waiting to start my business until that person has been removed for good.

Making our home ready

To have a place for our soul to live is both about having a home and a body it feels safe in. Many people who experience sever traumas have described out of body experiences or simply know a piece of their soul leaves temporarily, sometimes attached to the body but not grounded inside, ready to leave if a similar threat would occur again.

My soul retrival has been done in several sessions which has taken many years to integrate. It is through a combination of meditation, prayer, breathing and lomilomi massage, this is made possible, upon learning to eat, process emotions and sleep better with more awareness. Most of all, we must make ourselves welcome with self-love, which starts with forgiving and finding compassion for ourselves.

This in turn requires a safe place to eat and sleep, among other friendly people, and/or with solitude to be able to relax fully without any interference, together with joy and celebration.

And sometimes it’s given back to us through another’s exhale.

Healing our chakras

If I’m nauseous, then what chakra or place in the body, does it correspond to and why? The first clue is always found in our body and our posture. How am I sitting and walking? As a dancer I’m being made aware of this as soon as I enter the studio and the correction begins. Myself first and then a little extra by my teacher.

Outside the dance studio it’s different. I’m often too cold, sabotaged and trying to fight it off and soon it’s easy to forget. In my 20’s, I used to remember to correct my posture in the store’s waiting lines, always able to spot any other dancer by the way we can walk. Not dancing made me loose some of that straight back and outwardly natural welcoming expression. Could this affect how I feel? Of course!

It starts with breathing, but even before that, making room for our lungs to breathe. Is my body a room?

In the style of Isadora Duncan dance, we lead with our solar plexus in our motions and it was by learning this in 2014, I began to really heal for keeps.

Emotionally, it’s about making room for us to feel, and spiritually to be connected to the whole.

How can this be considered a mental illness, which Sweden long has wanted me to have as a diagnosis? Am I then thinking in the wrong way about being cold, tired and hungry? Am I supposed to deny myself food, water, warmth and shelter? Why am I then being denied, or have it taken away from me, for almost 10 years?

The four phases of healing

Each trauma is a crisis causing stress. How we deal with this as human beings has of course been researched much and it was also when I read the book “Crisis and development” by John Cullberg in 2001 at Malmö University, I began to understand myself, my stress-level, coping behavior and my needs.

In short the four stages are:

1. Chock

2. Reaction

3. Processing/Treatment

4. Taking new direction

In order for us to heal any traumas, we have to be able to go through these phases, with adequate professional help and social support within reasonable time, ie the natural course of time. Any delays, shortages or obstruction will simply become another trauma.

It was when I read through the author’s list of examples in 2001 that I made the astonishing discovery that I had been through the majority of all the traumas he mentioned except for being incarcerated… then.

The traumas we experience must also be understood in the conditions and culture we are living in and the age we are in when it happened. Naturally what is perceived as a trauma as a child, might not be for an adult or even vice versa! Likewise some are national or international by their nature, impacting many such a hearing in the media about terrorattacks and how the Swedish primeminister and foreign minister were murdered.

The traumas I have endured that are more than the regular stages of developments we all face, are:

At the age of 2: Escaping grenades in Beirut while my Dad held me as a shield.

At the age of 4: Watching my mother almost misscarrying and bleeding with premature birth 7 months pregnant in Sweden after we hastily left Germany where we temporary lived.

At the age of 5: Almost drowning in a pool at a summer party with my parents in Denmark.

At the age of 7: Suffered a concussion including spending a night at a hospital alone in Sweden.

At the age of 9: Orally raped by a classmate called Jonas in Sweden.

At the age of 10: My first bunny called Skutt fell ill and had to be put to sleep.

At the age of 12: Submitted to an open children psychiatric clinic in Sweden for 3 months by my patents, without a diagnosis.

At the age of 13: A classmate died in a car accident after our Middle school class was split for two different high schools.

At the age of 14: Our family was threatened by KGB (and SÄPO) and my Dad wanted to sell me as a wife to Afghanistan, while I was called “the plank” in school due to being flat chested (and a year younger than my classmates).

At the age of 15: My parents got divorced.

At the age of 17: I was stalked the first time in Sweden.

At the age of 21: I was sexually assaulted at a dinner date in Sweden.

At the age of 22: My front knee ligament was torned off during an aerobics class and I had arthoscopy performed in Sweden.

At the age of 25: I misscarried and was laid off from work with unemployment to follow in Sweden.

At the age of 26: My mentor in copywriting died suddenly in a heart attack in Sweden.

At the age of 29: My mother got cancer in Sweden.

At the age of 30: My German step-grandmother died from Leukemia in Sweden.

At the age of 33: I saw the devastation at Ground Zero in NYC in the United States.

At the age of 34: My mother died and I had to undergo foreclosure in Sweden.

At the age of 37: I received hundreds of nethating comments and a couple of blogposts after I had tried to perform Hula on TV.

At the age of 38: I had teeth surgery under the needle in Sweden.

At the age of 39: I was stalked in person, while also made homeless, in Sweden.

At the age of 40: I was stalked in person in the United States and had to get a restraining order and go to court there.

At the age of 41: I was arrested by the local police for shoplifting in Honolulu and then detained by ICE for 338 days, including 5 months in the SHU.

At the age of 42: I was deported from the United States.

At the age of 44: I was severly stalked and intruded upon inside my apartment, learned about how three important people in my life (my former English teacher, my minister at Unity church and my Hula-sister and attorney) died within a couple of months in the United States, and I almost died after a severe bloodpressure fall and was thteatened by authorities who wanted to lock me up in a closed mental institution in Sweden after I had finished compiling my blogposts into my second book and sent to the UN.

At the age of 45: I was forced into a locked homeless shelter in Sweden where I was assaulted, after being called stalker on the front page of the evening news after going to Athens on a dance conference and suing a yogateacher for copyright infringement in Sweden and after going on a vacation to Portugal.

At the age of 46: I was made homeless several times, stalked in a hostel with rats, removed a pipebomb outside a Stockholm subway entrance that the police ignored, in Sweden.

Then of course, moving and changing schools, grieving the deaths of my maternal grandmother and grandfather, my mother’s half-brother, my paternal grandfather, my other bunnies and favorite horse, were also upsets.

When experienced traumas impair daily lives and/or are re-lived again, we get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Healing through faith

In holistic healing, many practices are so called spiritually based in combination with natural/herbal remedies.

Which ones work and how do we find faith in the midst of it all? Do we need to believe in a source outside of ourselves or rather in our own body’s, mind’s, heart’s and soul’s own capacity?

When I was nine years old, a boy in my class at my new school walked me home after a birthday party and tried to kiss me violently. It was awful to feel his tongue down my throat and possibly became part of the problem later in life for me to go to the dentist without panicking and gagging. It would however take another 30 years for me to realize, heal and improve with a positive result.

What if all my health problems were a result of prior traumas?

Let’s take it step by step.

The nine year old girl

It was in 1979, I started feeling weirdly nauseous the first time and couldn’t fall asleep. I was very skinny, but all my levels were right on the chart when my parents took me to the doctors. All my vaccinations were done and I rarely got the flu but for a cold once or twice a year.

I had suffered from a concussion the year before, after falling over a cord in a dark classroom when I had been told to raise the volume on the tape recorder on the desk up front, while the substitute teacher was standing in the back, managing the slideshow. I had become unconscious and was later taken to the hospital for a night but recuperated from that with several weeks of rest without being allowed to watch TV or read. I soon regained playing.

We lived in a nice house in Lund, in the south of Sweden, with a big garden filled with apple trees. And my room faced the side with a tall bush of lilacs making it scent all the way in. I had made new friends both in school and down the street, and my little black bunny Skutt had come with us when we had moved from Lidköping. In Lund, we lived close to the big university hospital, so one winter when we had had much snow and storms, we saw and heard military helicopters land on their roof.

I was born in Uppsala in Sweden 1970, and lived there until 1977, but for some six months in 1974, when we lived in Heidelberg, Germany, where my Dad made research to his dissertation in Ethnography, before he became a writer and had his first book published in 1979 – a book about the Russian invasion in Afghanistan.

We left Heidelberg in a hurry, my Mum and I, since my brother decided to arrive two months early. My Mum studied too, languages and literature, and then started working as a secretary. I attended second grade directly, when I started elementary school after my parents had decided that I’d take an IQ-test, ie I was a year younger than all my classmates. I started taking ballet classes 1978 and continued in Lund 1979. I also started to love horses and went to visit the nearby riding club.

What was wrong then?

Hi world!

Which healing method works the best and how do we create an everyday wellness that makes us feel both fit and happy, body, mind, heart and soul?

In this blog you will find posts about how the founder Hannah Telluselle received personal development and an improved health with qigong, meditation, yoga, chanting, organic hair and bodycare, African dance, Ecstatic dance, Hawaiian Hula, Isadora Duncan, Lomilomi treatments, Ho’oponopono, coaching and its tools, prayers, choosing food, interior design and relating more consciously to nature. All that Telluselle Living Center is about and will offer to others!